People say some pretty funny things. Sometimes it is meticulously planned out by a comedian. Other times, it is our President mangling the English language. Either way, the following should make you crack up. 1. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 2. George Bush - I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure. 3. Steven Wright - I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 4. Jay Leno - Dick Cheney says he loves California - out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it. Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning. 5. Dave Attell - Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people the cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! 6. Steven Wright - I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 7. Rodney Dangerfield - I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. 8. George Bush - The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done. 9. Groucho Marx - She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. 10. Rodney Dangerfield - I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 11. Steven Wright - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. Dave Attell - You ever get drunk and pass out... or as I call it 'time travel'? 13. Dave Attell - Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly. 14. Rodney Dangerfield - I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. 15. Steven Wright - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. If life is getting you down, fight back. Read a joke or funny saying each day. Even on the worst of days, it will provide you with a little glimmer of relief. A laugh a day keeps the mental institution away!